Judy duty is one of those things that every person is obligated to do as their “civic duty,” but it’s a huge pain in the ass! It throws your life out of joint for a few days, weeks, or even months; it doesn’t pay very well; and unless you’re Pauly Shore, it isn’t much fun.

Honestly, getting out of jury duty isn’t that difficult. It all depends on who you are, where you’re from, or if you just don’t give a damn about making a fool of yourself.

Here are a few ways to get around the most annoying of civic duties:

Please Note: This article is for general information purposes, and maybe for a good laugh. In no way should you ever believe this constitutes as legal advice; if you’re looking for legal advice see a lawyer, I hear they’re pretty good at that whole “law” thing.

The Instant Out

Many people get out of deciding the fate of murders, rapists, and other loathsome people by fitting into one of the categories below.

• You are over 70 years of age.
• You do not have a car and are unable to use public transportation.
• You are a volunteer firefighter, rescue squad member or ambulance crew member.
• You are an attorney, physician, dentist or registered nurse.
• You must care for young children or elderly adults, if your absence will put them at risk.
• You are so important to the operation of a business that your absence will cause everything to go to hell in a hand basket.

If you can pass yourself off as one of these type of people, just write your court officials as quickly as you can. They should have no problem letting you off the legal hook. You will probably be relieved of your duty before ever having to set foot in a courtroom. There’s also a good chance that you’ll be added to the juror’s “do not call” list.

Postponements, putting off the system on hold

In case you aren’t instantly qualified to be voted off the island, you may be able to stay your duty if you have important things to do.

Deferments are common and can be done in writing your court, but don’t think you’ll get off Scott-free; the legal system will never forget about you, and you can be sure you will be called upon after the postponement expires.

Hardships also qualify for a deferment, however you will have to sell yourself. You can contact the court via mail and explain your situation, but they might not show much leniency through the mail. If you can also explain your problem in person, you’ll get the added human element.

This leads me up to…

Gotta show up? Get off the first day

So, you haven’t managed to get out of the dirty deed yet? Well, you’d better show up to court when ordered. A no-show is a serious matter, and you’ll probably get fined.

When you arrive at the jury meeting a court employee will probably ask all potential jurors if they have any legitimate reason for not being there. If you really do have one, go for it!

Normally the courts will allow you to duck out if you have travel plans, an intense work schedule, or some sort of medical or family care responsibilities.

If that doesn’t work, on to..

Jury Selection!

If you’ve reached this point, you’re probably going to have a hard time getting off; it’s time to get a bit creative. You will normally be interviewed by the court to see if you have any bias to the case, or have any conflicting views which may sway your decisions. For example, if the case was for the murder of a clown, and you happened to be a professor at a clown college, you might be turned away.

Basically you’re being interviewed to see if you’re an objective person, and if you want to get out of jury duty, you’d better not be. Try to pass yourself off as a a bigger idiot than you already are. While the case is being explained to you use a bit of theatrics and gasp in horror, or shake your head in disgust, but be subtle. This will help show that you aren’t objective, and your chances of being selected is slim.

This might be a good time to mention to the court that the crime committed is similar to something that has happened to a friend or family member. For example, if the case is about car theft and your brother just happened to be arrested for the same thing last month, now is a great time to let someone know.

You can also know little too much! Have you been to the area that the crime was supposedly committed? Do you know the witnesses somehow? Are you friends with cops, or other law-enforcement officials? Speak up!

Other tips and tricks to weasel your way out

• Look dirty! Shave your hair into a pink Mohawk, get some (fake?) piercings, and wear your best misfits shirt to the jury selection. Remember, the court is looking for objective, normal people, not self-proclaimed radicals who might throw the system. Use this to your advantage.
• Let it be known that you aren’t having fun. Many times judges or legal staff will simply ask if you can render a fair verdict. You could say something like you’re pissed at the defendant for making you sit through hell. Or you could simply say, “No,” but beware, you might be asked why.
• Be an annoying moron. If you ask as many stupid questions as possible and ask for clarification or every single topic presented. You’re bound to not only annoy your potential-juror peers, but the attorneys and the judge as well! This will work to your advantage as he thought of having to be around you for several days or months may be enough to have the court ask you to leave.

Save Yourself a Trip to The Courthouse for Other Reasons

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1. My kids are locked outside.
2. My kids are locked inside.
3. My kids are stuck in the door.
4. I have to help my grandmother bake cookies.
5. I have to help my Aunt Flo in Omaha make cookies. She’s much better now and she wants to send thank-you cookies to everyone who came to see her when she thought she was dying.
6. The water company has to read my meter once a year and this was the only time they would come.
7. The gas company has to read my meter once a year and this was the only time they would come.
8. The water meter guy and the gas meter guy were both leaving cards on my door about me not being home, and they got into a fight about whose meter was better, and I have to go home and clean up.
9. My daughter is graduating from high school and I’d like to go to the ceremony.
10. My daughter is receiving a Nobel Prize and I’d like to go to the ceremony. (Do not use within one month of #9).
11. I have to pick up my car at the shop. If I don’t get there in half an hour it’ll be locked up all weekend.
12. I have to get my car to the shop. If I don’t get it there in half an hour it’ll be locked out all weekend. (Don’t use if boss seems wide awake).
13. My dog has a rash all over, and the vet closes early today.
14. My cat has a rash all over, and the vet closes early today.
15. My kid has a rash all over, and the vet closes early today.
16. My truss snapped.
17. My support hose popped.
18. I got my fingers stuck together with Krazy Glue.
19. I’m arranging financing for a house.
20. I’m arranging financing for a car.
21. I’m arranging financing for a beef roast.
22. The couch I ordered umpteen weeks ago has arrived and this was the only time they could deliver it.
23. The refrigerator I ordered umpteen weeks ago has arrived and this was the only time they could deliver it.
24. The baby we arranged for nine months ago is arriving, and I think this is the time it’s being delivered. (Note: This is an excuse that can’t be used by just anybody. But if it’s close to accurate, it’s extremely effective.
25. I have been asked to serve on a presidential advisory panel.
26. I’m being sent to the moon by NASA.
27. It’s Dayton’s Warehouse Sale.
28. My back aches.
29. My stomach aches.
30. My hair aches. (This is more acceptable than “I have a hangover,” especially if offered in the early afternoon.)
31. My biological clock is ticking.
32. I have to take my biological clock in for service.
33. My furnace won’t stop running, and the goldfish are getting poached.
34. My central air conditioning won’t stop running, and the goldfish are getting freezer burn.
35. Both my furnace and my central air conditioning won’t stop running. The goldfish are fine but my basement is about to explode.
36. I have to go to the airport to pick up my mother.
37. I have to go to the airport to pick up my minister.
38. I have to go to the airport to pick up my minister’s mother.
39. I have to take my mother to the doctor.
40. I have to take my minister to the doctor.
41. I have to take my doctor to my minister.
42. I think I left the iron on.
43. I think I left the water on.
44. I think I left the refrigerator on.
45. I’m getting married, and I have to go pick out rings.
46. I’m getting married, and I have to take a blood test.
47. I’m getting married, and I have to figure out to whom.
48. I have to have my waistband let out.
49. I have to have my watchband let out.
50. I have to have my son’s rock band let out.
51. I’m having my eyes checked this noon, and they put drops in them so I won’t be able to work afterwards.
52. I’m having my ears checked this noon, and they put drops in them so I won’t be able to work afterwards.
53. I’m having my hats checked this noon, and I’ll be having a drop or two so I won’t be able to work afterwards.
54. I’m having a root canal.
55. I’m having a tax audit.
56. I’m going on a date with a sadomasochistic necrophile. (Is that beating a dead horse?)
57. My broker needs to talk with me about diversification.
58. I have to rearrange my savings so that there is no more than $100,000 in any one federally insured institution.
59. I need to break into my kid’s piggy bank while he’s not home.
60. I have to renew my driver’s license.
61. I have to get new license plates.
62. I have to stand in a long line for no good reason, while petty bureaucrats take inordinate amounts of time to work out the tiny problems that they detect in perfectly routine transactions. THEN I have to breeze by and renew my driver’s license and get new license plates.
63. I’ve got an urgent session with my therapist.
64. I’ve got a really urgent session with my therapist.
65. I’ve … I … I’m not … I don’t … I CAN’T COPE WITH THIS!!
66. I have to get my contact lenses fitted.
67. I have to get my hearing aid adjusted.
68. I have to get my big toe calibrated.
69. Hey, hey! The Monkees could be coming to our town.
70. My rheumatism is acting up. There’s going to be a terrible tornado.
71. My arthritis is acting up. There’s going to be a terrible blizzard.
72. The pharaoh is acting up. There’s going to be a terrible rain of frogs.
73. I need to give blood.
74. I need to give evidence.
75. I need to give up.
76. I’m going to my best friend’s engagement party.
77. I’m going to my best friend’s wedding.
78. I’m going to my best friend’s divorce. (We all knew it wouldn’t last. At the wedding, everybody threw Minute Rice.)
79. I have a seriously overdue library book that I have to return.
80. I have a bunch of old parking tickets, and if I don’t pay them I’m going to be arrested.
81. The police are at the back door. Cover me.
82. I’m having my nails done.
83. I’m having my colors done.
84. I’m having my head examined.
85. I’m going to the bank.
86. I’m going to sleep.
87. I’m going over the edge.
88. A friend of mine is dying and I have to go to the hospital.
89. A friend of mine has died and I have to go to the funeral parlor.
90. A friend of mine is being reincarnated and I have to go to the zoo.
91. I need to check out the hole in the ozone layer.
92. I need to check into a rest home.
93. I’m breaking in my shoes.
94. I’m breaking up with my boyfriend.
95. I’m breaking out.
96. I have to pick up my dry cleaning.
97. I have to pick out a car.
98. I have to pick on my kids.
99. Salmon Rushdie is coming in to talk about his idea for a book on Christian fundamentalists. I thought I’d go to a ball game instead.

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If you work at a large company, or go to just about any school, you’ve probably tried to browse to a favorite website only to find that it’s been blocked from your view. It may be annoying, but network administrators usually do this for perfectly valid reasons; it may be to lower their ISP bills due to bandwidth-wasting sites, or to block social networking sites at a place of business keep employees more productive.

Even though these restrictions are in place there may be times that you have a perfectly valid reason to access one of these sites, like when you need to find a phone number of a contact. This is a quick and simple guide to bypassing your organization’s blocking methods. Use at your own risk.

Anonymous Web Proxy

This is probably the quickest way to get to a blocked site, but a downfall is that you’re forever browsing back to the proxy’s web page to navigate to another web page. This extra overhead may be acceptable for the one-off use, but if you’re browsing several web sites it can get pretty annoying. It’s also likely that network administrators may be blocking these sites if they’re already blocking other types of sites.

I should also mention that simply because a proxy is “anonymous” it doesn’t mean that they don’t log information about you; you never know what information might be stored about you.

If you want to take the risk, here are a few sites that offer web proxies. Some are better than others, but you never know which ones might already be blocked.

Anonymous Web Proxy List:

• Hide My Ass
• Anonymizer.su
• Anonymouse
• freeproxy.ca
• Proxy7
• ProxyGuy
• A Large list of other Web Proxies out there

Anonymous HTTP proxy

All popular browsers support using a HTTP Proxy, but one down-fall is that you simply cannot rely on these anonymous servers to work; they are hosted by a third party which may go up and down, not to mention that most servers limit the bandwidth that passes through them. Aside from these issues, this is method is equally quick as using an anonymous web proxy if you know what you’re doing.

HTTP proxies are best suited for accessing several websites at one time through a proxy, as the functionality is integrated into your browser. This method also allows you to forgo the overhead of using the web interface of web proxies.

Below are several sites that have updated lists of active anonymous proxies that anyone can use. The listings are normally in the form of <ip-address>:<port> where <ip-address> is the Host/Address of the server, and <port> is obviously the port you connect to. If you’re not sure what to do with the server information, read down the page a bit.

Anonymous HTTP Proxy Server Links:

• Proxy server list courtesy of samair.ru
• Proxy server list courtesy of Steganos Privacy Software
• Another proxy server list from Digital Cyber Soft

If this is your first time setting up a proxy server, you can take a look the guides below for help to configure your browser to use a proxy server.

Configuring your browser to use an HTTP proxy:

• Internet Explorer, all versions
• Foirfox, all versions
• Opera, all versions
• Safari, all versions

Even though it’s a bit beyond the scope of this article, you can also configure your operating system itself to use a proxy for all connections, not just your browser. There’s a handy guide for Mac OSX (10.3), however Windows is complicated to configure. You’re best off simply setting up the proxy connection in Internet Explorer’s Internet Options, and that should suffice for most applications.

Set up your own proxy server

If you’re the adventurous type, you might want to look into setting up your own proxy server at home (or elsewhere). This is probably the most secure and reliable way to access blocked websites via a proxy server.

You have several options for setting up your own proxy server; you may install a web proxy such as php proxy and set it up on your website, or run an server daemon on an operating system of your choice.

Windows, Mac OSX and Linux users have the option to set up one of the best HTTP Proxy servers out there, Squid. But,m even though it’s said that Squid is very easy to set up, you may want to try out the open-source web proxy Privoxy, which also supports a plethora of platforms, and may be more suited for you.

Self-Install Proxy Server Links:

• php proxy - A PHP-based web proxy that you can host on most web spaces
• Squid - the most widely used and robust HTTP proxy server out there.
• Privoxy - A proxy server tailor-made for Web browsing, and allows advanced options for filtering cookies, ads, banners, pop-ups and other obnoxious Internet junk.

When all else fails, at least get your email

Not being able to access the sites you want at work can be a huge pain but, nothing is worse than not being able to access your email! Make sure you avoid the worst email hassles by using convenient email hosting. When you use outlook exchange, for example, you can avoid the troubles that are inherent in business email. Look into exchange email outsourcing today!

I hope this information helps out those of you who are stuck without access to a required site, but please keep in mind that even though you might have a perfectly valid reason to access a certain website, your network administrators might not be very happy with you bypassing their security measures.

If you know of any other web proxy servers, or would like to add your input, please comment below.

Internet Tools

• Codeflux.com: Internet Tools Gateway
  Codeflux.com offers several standard unix tools (such as whois, nslookup, dig, etc..), but with a web-based interface that is intuitive and easy to navigate.
• MX Tool Box
  This site allows you to perform many common email diagnostics such as MX record lookup, check to see if an IP is blacklisted, check SPF records, and diagnose problems with mail servers. Worth a look!
• DNS Blacklist Information
  This site allows you to check a mail server IP address against over a hundred spammer blacklist databases.
• Internet Backbone Map
  This is not particularly useful when troubleshooting an internet connection, but this map allows you ro see how the internet is really connected. You can definitely see why it’s called a the “World Wide Web.” You may also check out maps here and here

Location & Mapping Tools

I work for a company who supports satellite internet customers, so figuring out exactly where a customer is geographically helps a great deal with troubleshooting certain type of problems, namely weather-related issues.

• Google Maps
  A simple but powerful, free mapping web application.
• Google Earth
  Like Google Maps on crack, Google Earth is a robust mapping utility filled with satellite imagery, maps, terrain and 3D buildings to put the world’s geographic information at your fingertips. If you haven’t already checked this out, I’d suggest downloading it now.

Speed Testing

No matter how much bandwidth you provide, customers always want to go faster; I think speed-related complains are the most common tickets I deal with. Here are a few decent sites you can direct customers to check their speeds.

• SpeedTest.Net
  A very fancy speed test site. It has numerous speed test servers to pick from all over the globe.
• Speakeasy.net’s Speed Test
  I believe Speakeasy’s speed test servers are powered by SpeedTest.Net, but Speakeasy test site offers a less busy interface which may be easier for customers to navigate.
• testmy.net
  A relatively easy-to-use speed testing site that is the bane of my existence. This site gives you an up-to 5-star rating on your speed depending on test results from other users of the same ISP; this can turn out terribly for a Tech if a satellite customer’s speed is compared to those customers who are on a wired connection.

Satellite Internet Tools

Satellite internet is a finicky thing; from rain and snow to solar flares, anything can get in the way of a constant internet connection with a 2-way satellite system.

• Satellite Radar Imagery: USA & Canada
  Satellite radar imagery is the best way to measure percipitation in an area, which just happens to biggest problem when it comes to satellite internet service dropping its connection.
• Live Real-Time Satellite Tracking
  This is a pretty cool Google Maps mash-up. It actively tracks satellites in orbit of the earth, and plots them on a Google map. Very cool.
• Look Angle Calculator
  Knowing the proper look angle for a satellite is crucial when pointing a satellite dish. This calculator will give you the elevation, azimuth, and skew needed for pointing a dish at nearly any satllite. If you don’t like this calculator, try another one!

The proliferation of modern programming languages (all of which seem to have stolen countless features from one another) sometimes makes it difficult to remember what language you’re currently using. This guide is offered as a public service to help programmers who find themselves in such dilemmas.

C
You shoot yourself in the foot.

C++
You accidentally create a dozen clones of yourself and shoot them all in the foot. Providing emergency medical assistance is impossible since you can’t tell which are bitwise copies and which are just pointing at others and saying, “That’s me, over there.”

JAVA
After importing java.awt.right.foot.* and java.awt.gun.right.hand.*, and writing the classes and methods of those classes needed, you’ve forgotten what the hell you’re doing.

Ruby
Your foot is ready to be shot in roughly five minutes, but you just can’t find anywhere to shoot it.

PHP
You shoot yourself in the foot with a gun made with pieces from 300 other guns.

ASP.NET
Find a gun, it falls apart. Put it back together, it falls apart again. You try using the .GUN Framework, it falls apart. You stab yourself in the foot instead.

SQL
SELECT @ammo:=bullet FROM gun WHERE trigger = ‘PULLED’;
INSERT INTO leg (foot) VALUES (@ammo);

Perl
You shoot yourself in the foot, but nobody can understand how you did it. Six months later, neither can you. (via Andy)

Javascript
YOu’ve perfected a robust, rich user experience for shooting yourself in the foot. You then find that bullets are disabled on your gun.

CSS
You shoot your right foot with one hand, then switch hands to shoot your left foot but you realize that the gun has turned into a banana.

FORTRAN
You shoot yourself in each toe, iteratively, until you run out of toes, then you read in the next foot and repeat. If you run out of bullets, you continue anyway because you have no exception-handling ability.

Modula2
After realizing that you can’t actually accomplish anything in this language, you shoot yourself in the head.

COBOL
Using a COLT 45 HANDGUN, AIM gun at LEG.FOOT, THEN place ARM.HAND.FINGER. on HANDGUN.TRIGGER and SQUEEZE. THEN return HANDGUN to HOLSTER. CHECK whether shoelace needs to be retied.

LISP
You shoot yourself in the appendage which holds the gun with which
you shoot yourself in the appendage which holds the gun with which
you shoot yourself in the appendage which holds the gun with which
you shoot yourself in the appendage which holds the gun with which
you shoot yourself in the appendage which holds ….

BASIC
Shoot yourself in the foot with a water pistol. On big systems, continue until entire lower body is waterlogged.

FORTH
Foot in yourself shoot.

APL
You shoot yourself in the foot, then spend all day figuring out how to do it in fewer characters.

Pascal
The compiler won’t let you shoot yourself in the foot.

SNOBOL
If you succeed, shoot yourself in the left foot.
If you fail, shoot yourself in the right foot.

Concurrent Euclid
You shoot yourself in somebody else’s foot.

HyperTalk
Put the first bullet of the gun into the foot of the left leg of you.
Answer the result.

Motif
You spend days writing a UIL description of your foot, the trajectory, the bullet, and the intricate scrollwork on the ivory handles of the gun. When you finally get around to pulling the trigger, the gun jams.

Unix
% ls
foot.c foot.h foot.o toe.c toe.o
% rm * .o
rm: .o: No such file or directory
% ls
%

Paradox
Not only can you shoot yourself in the foot, your users can too.

Revelation
You’ll be able to shoot yourself in the foot just as soon as you figure out what all these bullets are for.

Visual Basic
You’ll shoot yourself in the foot, but you’ll have so much fun doing it that you won’t care.

Prolog
You tell your program you want to be shot in the foot. The program figures out how to do it, but the syntax doesn’t allow it to explain.

Ada
After correctly packaging your foot, you attempt to concurrently load the gun, pull the trigger, scream and shoot yourself in the foot. When you try, however, you discover that your foot is of the wrong type.

Assembly
You try to shoot yourself in the foot only to discover you must first reinvent the gun, the bullet, and your foot. After that’s done, you pull the trigger, the gun beeps several times, then crashes.

370 JCL
You send your foot down to MIS with a 4000-page document explaining how you want it to be shot. Three years later, your foot comes back deep-fried.

Python
You try to shoot yourself in the foot but you just keep hitting the whitespace between your toes. (via Marco Azaro)

Why go to a real classroom when you could get an online computer science degrees at home?! Choose from Don’t like programming, checkout other online computer and IT degrees

Don’t shoot yourself in the foot, learn programming online so you can avoid making a fool of yourself. If you find the right online degree in programming out there, and if you work hard enough you can even get an online PhD! So look into programming classes online and become an online programming master!

Disclaimer: I didn’t write the original article, though I’ve added to it. I have had the funnier definitions above listed in a text file for several years, and I decided to add my own one day.

It has also been pointed out to me that there is another article like this here, though it’s longer than my original version so I can only assume it is also a hybrid from the original list. Perhaps the original author is updating his list? ]]> http://www.fullduplex.org/humor/2006/10/how-to-shoot-yourself-in-the-foot-in-any-programming-language/feed/ http://www.fullduplex.org/general/2006/10/20-important-rules-for-the-english-language/ http://www.fullduplex.org/general/2006/10/20-important-rules-for-the-english-language/#comments Tue, 03 Oct 2006 18:49:55 +0000 Mike http://www.fullduplex.org/general/2006/10/20-important-rules-for-the-english-language/ A quick and quirky ‘Top 20′ list of the most common rules broken in the English Language.

1. Verbs has to agree with their subjects.
2. Prepositions are not words to end sentences with.
3. And don’t start a sentence with a conjuction.
4. It is wrong to ever split an infinitive.
5. Avoid cliches like the plague.
6. Also, always avoid annoying alliteration.
7. Be more or less specific.
8. Parenthetical remarks (however relevant) are (usually) unnecessary.
9. No sentence fragments.
10. Contractions aren’t necessary and shouldn’t be used.
11. One should never generalise.
12. Don’t use no double negatives.
13. Eschew ampersands & abbreviations, etc.
14. Eliminate commas, that are, not necessary.
15. Never use big words when a diminutive one would suffice.
16. Kill all exclamation marks!!!!
17. Use all words correctly, irregardless of how others use them.
18. Use the apostrophe in it’s proper place and omit it when its not needed.
19. Puns are for children, not groan readers.
20. Proofread carefully to see if you any words out.

Avoid making yourself look dumb

Don’t make these blunders when you learn English, look into a great online education so you are ready to learn any language without funny mistakes. There are lots of ways to study English online, and with all the different options the only thing you’ll have to worry about is getting school supplies!

Computers these days are made to be networked. Period. A computer that is not connected to a type of network (LAN, WAN, Internet, etc..) is basically useless in 90% of applications.

These days the term network cable normally refers to Category-5 cable (aka 10BaseT or 100BaseTX cable) which is used to wire an Ethernet network. Very similar in design as the cable that you have connecting any traditional phone in your home (which has two inside wires), Cat-5 cable consists of 8 small wires inside of an outer shell. Each wire is paired up with another, and twisted together; this how the ‘twisted-pair concept’ gets its name. This twisting, along with the outer shell around the cables, helps protect against magnetic interference, among other things.

Any more explanation than that is beyond the scope of this post, and is better explained by Wikipedia. Now, on to making your own cable!

Tools of the Trade

To effectively crimp your own cables, you will need four things. They are:

• A length of Cat-5 Cable: I have found the best places to buy this cable is at small computer shops in your city, as larger ones don’t usually have spools of cable around because they would prefer you to buy the more expensive, pre-made cable. You can also purchase cable online in large spools.
• RJ-45 Heads (Ends): You will need at least two heads, one for each end of the cable (obviously), but I would suggest getting some extras for future wiring needs, not to mention having some to fall back on if/when you goof up. You can purchase these from the same place you get the cable.
• Cat-5 Crimping Tool: This is what makes the magic happen. Crimping tools are available in many different varieties, ranging in different prices. I suggest finding a tool that locks as you squeeze it as it can take quite a bit of pressure to crimp a wire. These tools should also be available from the sources above.
• Cat-5 Cable tester: This is optional, but if you’re serious about creating network cable, then it is a very good thing to have. There’s nothing worse than crimping a cable ‘perfectly’ but not being able to figure out why it won’t work. Availability is same as above, but they’re pretty expensive. You may even be able to rent a tester at some locations.

Getting Started

First off, figure out how long of a cable you need, then add a couple feet to that number. Next, carefully cut approx. a 1/2 inch (1.25cm) of the outer coating from each of the ends of the cable. Now, unravel the twisted-pair wires so each is it’s own single wire. Here’s where things might get confusing.

At this point you need to figure out how you’re going to be using this wire. In most cases, you’ll want a ‘Straight-Through’ Cable for connecting a PC to a hub/switch/router, but sometimes you might require a ‘Cross-Over’ Cable to connect two computers together without the aid of a hub-style intermediary. Take a look at the simple diagram to the right to figure out in which order the wires should be; assume you’re holding the the two tips of the wire up in front of you.

Making Your Cable

Now, once you’ve decided what type of cable you need, use the diagram to separate the wires in the right order; let’s assume we’ll be making a Straight-Through cable. Grab a RJ-45 end and carefully stick each little coloured wire into the appropriate slot. In order to keep things straight with which wires go where, I always insert wires with the springy tip pointing away from me.

Now here’s where you need a little strength! Grab the Crimping Tool and stick in the now wired RJ-45 End.

Be very careful! Ensure you are careful not to pull out any of the wires from the RJ-45 End while you are placing it in the Crimping Tool; it is best if, while crimping, you keep the ends of each wire pushed in as far as possible to ensure the leads make full contact with the ends.

With the RJ-45 End (with wires inserted) in the crimper, use your crimper to clamp the 8 tiny metal contacts of the RJ-45 End into each tiny wire. Depending on the type of crimper you have, this may require a great deal of pressure.

Once you’re successfully crimped your first end, grab the other end of the wire.

This is where you can make or break the wire! Make sure you insert the small coloured wires in the proper order, using the above illustration for reference. Now check, and double check, that you’ve inserted the coloured wires in the proper order. Once you’re sure you have, crimp that end also.

If you have a crimping tool on hand, jam the two newly crimped ends into the tester and test away! If everything went right, you should get a full, strong reading. If something happens that you don’t, double check the alignment of the coloured wires in the ends, they’re probably wrong. IF so, this si where you chop off whichever end is wired wrong, and start again. Once an RJ-45 End is crimped, you cannot reuse it. This is why I suggested having a few extra ends on hand ;)

All Done!

Well, now you know how to crimp your own Cat-5 network cable. Keep in mind that if you just need one or two cables, it is usually more cost effective to go to your local FutureShop or BestBuy and buy the length of cable that you need, but crimping your own cable is a viable option if you plan on making a large number of cables. Also, making your own cable makes is cool.

If you have any questions, please leave a comment.

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