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How to Do Nothing at Work, and Get Away With It

If you’re like me (God help you if you are), you’re lazy. Here’s a few tips I’ve learned in my short time on this earth that have kept me from getting too much accomplished.

Update: As a little update, I’ve done another article of Even More Ways to do Less at work and still get away with it. Check it out!

  1. Look Busy: Having papers spead all over your desk helps, as do pencils which are whittled down to the eraser. If you have to walk somewhere, keep your head down, and walk quickly (this also works if you’re trying to avoid being called over to do work. NEVER MAKE EYE CONTACT!). Carrying clipboard with you while moving around also helps.
  2. Look Stressed: If you look completely stressed out, co-workers and your boss will be more likely to leave you alone, since you must have other pressing matters on your mind. To look stressed leave your eyes unfocused, move from place to place quickly while quietly talking to yourself, and if someone asks you a question, stare off into the distance for a moment, give a big sigh, and answer them with an irritated tone.
  3. Speak Quickly: If they can’t figure out what you said, they’ll assume you don’t have the time to explain it.
  4. Hide: Find a good hiding place. A couple good examples are under a desk, in the air vents, or a janitor’s closet.
  5. Break a Limb: Obviously this method only works when you work at a job that requires physical labour or typing. How you break the limb is up to you, though I recommend something spectacular (ie. snowboarding on the Alps).
  6. Make Excuses: There’s nothing like having a good list of excuses on hand (Memorized, that is. A list on paper is suspicious). Ones like “I would stay late, but I have to babysit my mother’s aunt’s friend’s sister’s goldfish” or “I offered to help fix my brother’s neighbors whirlpool” may work. Of course, YMMV.
  7. Never Leave Your Office/Room: If you don’t leave your office, you are less likely to be bothered. Remember: out of sight, out of mind. Of course, you will need to ensure that you have an ample supply of rations so that you can survive until it’s time to head home. Bathroom breaks, I’m still working on.
  8. This guy is cool.
    Buy his great book!

  9. What they can’t see… Rearrange your office so that your computer monitor faces away from any windows or doors that your boss may be able to see through. This will ensure that you have ample time to hit the “Boss Key” in any game you’re playing, or open a Word document to hide the porn you’re surfing or whirlpool parts you are researching, should your boss happen to wander into your dungeon..er..office.
  10. Fool their eyes: If you can’t rearrange your office, perhaps employ a service like WorkFRIENDLY which acts as a proxy to mask any website that you visit. You can mask the sites to look like a Word Document and at a quick glance, they look like any other document. If the boss gets too close, click the “Boss Key” and WordFriendly will hide the website with pseudo-word document.
  11. Choose a profession people don’t understand: I’m a web developer. Most people don’t REALLY understand what you need to do to be a web developer, so I might be doing a blog post, but they’re thinking I’m working. Golden!

Update: I would like everyone who thought I was being completely serious with this article to learn a new word today.

satire. noun.
1. a literary work holding up human vices and follies to ridicule or scorn
2. trenchant wit, irony, or sarcasm used to expose and discredit vice or folly

I’ve worked many terrible jobs in the past (cleaning butcher shop, call centre employee) where I really did employ a few of these tips, but now I don’t have to because, just to set the record straight, I love my job. Thank you.

143 Comments

Classic George Costanza

nice .. very nice

George Costanza and the Pentski files…ahh the memories…

[...] Tired of actually working at your job? Use these tips to help you breeze through your day while doing the least amount of work possible.read more | digg story Filed under: Things — chrisduffer @ 12:20 pm [...]

nice … made digg [http://digg.com/offbeat_news/How_to_Get_Away_with_Doing_Nothing_at_Work]!

+digg!

MM

Two words George: Hot. Tub.

Great tips!

I highly recommend sleeping in the server room… Only a few of us have the key, it’s air conditioned, and the gentle whir of the servers will whisk you off to the magical land of naps…

I would add one: Always keep an Excel Spreadsheet minimized in the tray so that when you hear someone coming towards your office (or cubicle) you can always maximize the window just before the person enters the room, and that DOES look like you’re doing some pretty complicateed things!

Tip: Insert a couple of graphs in there!

:)

nice, dont forget the jacket over the chair and off tothe pub routine!

What if you’re self employed?

Dan - then you are eating at the soup kitchen

:D Gold.

Still… how do you keep from falling asleep in the middle of a long day of nothing?

[...] A genious over at fullduplex.org came up with a list on how to avoid working.. while being at work. Everything he lists are plausible tips that can be achived.. except probably hiding in a vent… but we are all weird somehow. You can find the list here. Share and Enjoy:These icons link to social bookmarking sites where readers can share and discover new web pages. [...]

Great job on writing up such an exceptional list. Most of the stuff on there is pure gold.

[...] read more | digg story Filed under: Uncategorized   |   Tags: . [...]

Nice

[...] read more | digg story Filed under Uncategorized by Ronald Permalink • Print • Email • Comment [...]

George.. is that you?

[...] The latest list of DiggTools. Will Blu-Ray sink the PS3? New wind turbines can cut home energy costs! The secrets of the pirates. I hope they stream Two And A Half Men! How to slack and not get caught! When I start working I am going to be a switcher! Thats a lot of frequent flyer miles! The solar system is about to get more crowded. Make your digital pics last forever. Now this is customer appreciation. NUNs are helping Ubuntu users! [...]

Here are a couple more:
Set up your browser or PDA to access your email from home. If you leave a jacket over your chair at work, and your computer on all night, you can send emails just as though you were sitting at yoru desk. Wake up and send out a flurry of emails at 7AM, go back to sleep until about 10, then sneak into work.
Carrying a big, fat binder around is even better than carrying a clipboard.
If you work with outside clients at all, put a lot of extra off-site ‘meetings with clients’ on your calendar.
If you hear someone coming to your cube, pick up the phone and start speaking angrily into it, like you’ve been listening to some annoying doof for awhile and you’ve just had it with his excuses for not helping you get your project done.
Prepare a ‘blame list’ showing how it’s everyone else’s fault your project isn’t done. Make sure this is reflected in your project reports.

[...] How to do nothing at work and get away with it. [Great Article, a must read] [...]

I’m a lead in a web development team, and I manage and assign work for web developers. This is the behavior that gets you fired from my team.

Let’s analyze it shall we?

Look Busy/Look Stressed: We’re a Scrum team, we meet every day to talk about what we did the day before, what we will do today, and what roadblocks we have in our way. So why aren’t you asking for help? I have no use for web devs with such little people skills that they won’t even ask other members of their peer group for help. If you can’t be on a team, maybe you should go independent.

Speak Quickly/Hide/Break Limb/Make Excuses/Never Leave your office/rearrange furniture,etc: The only thing here that may work is breaking a limb. And even then if that happened to you it would make you a prime candidate for pairing with another developer. All the others, your non-activity would show up on the cvs commit log. In my team we have a great cvs mailer that shows colored differences of what you did, and I check it daily.

Choose a Profession people don’t understand: Your manager is probably not a techie, or he’s as lazy as you are about checking your work. You’re a perfect example why only techies can manage techies, and techie managers need to code at least 20% of their time on the current project so they can keep their skills. Also following the cvsspam list helps understand the issues.

Hackerdude:

You seem to have it all figured out. Wait?!? Why are you reading this?

[...] If you’re like me (God help you if you are), you’re lazy. Here’s a few tips I’ve learned in my short time on this earth that have kept me from getting too much accomplished. Look Busy: Having papers spead all over your desk helps, as do pencils which are widdled down to the eraser. If you have to walk somewhere, keep your head down, and walk quickly (this also works if you’re trying to avoid being called over to do work. NEVER MAKE EYE CONTACT!). Carrying clipboard with you while moving around also helps. [...]

Good list. All the things mentioned are things I do and have done at previous jobs to be a successful slacker. ;)

[...] fullduplex.org » How to Do Nothing at Work, and Get Away With It [...]

IF you are reading this, you have completed the task listed above. :)

Already a master at doing nothing at work. Its in my job description.

I look around and this is all I see happening.

[...] Link here [...]

Another good one is if you’re using Outlook for email you can schedule emails to be sent at a later time, this is great because you can make it look like you’re working some God awful hours on a project when all you’ve done is programmed the emails to be sent when you’re not in the office….keep up the good work (or lack of it :))

I tried to hide in a vent, but I am too large.

Cómo escaquearse en el trabajo…

Diez buenos consejos para conseguir no hacer nada en el trabajo. En *inglés* y *vía* del.icio.us/popular…

Cool! Now I know which people to fire.

That’s way too much work for me to consider even thinking about the possibility of doing. What I need is a way to unlock/open my office door and close it every day, this way the boss thinks I am in and I can do what little work I do from home, I am a ‘Web Programmer’ after all.

[...] fullduplex.org » How to Do Nothing at Work, and Get Away With It (tags: lolz InterWebs Career) Posted by seahawk Filed in Uncategorized [...]

[...] fullduplex.org » How to Do Nothing at Work, and Get Away With It “Here’s a few tips I’ve learned in my short time on this earth that have kept me from getting too much accomplished.” (tags: humor work reference costanza) [...]

Haha, I recently made a similar post on my site titled: “7 things to do at the office under the radar”

You should check it out :D

“Bathroom breaks, I’m still working on.”

Answer, at least for the male side - water bottles. “Just my apple juice, man”

[...] If you are one of those people ,you know, here are some tips on How to Do Nothing at Work, and Get Away With It What they can’t see… Rearrange your office so that your computer monitor faces away from any windows or doors that your boss may be able to see through. This will ensure that you have ample time to hit the “Boss Key” in any game you’re playing, or open a Word document to hide the porn you’re surfing, should your boss happen to wander into your dungeon..er..office. Tagged as: Business, lists, management, motivation, office, productivity, tips, work [...]

I knkow a lot of people who have perfected this technique without ever reading it. Maybe its instinctive.

[...] Leido en Office waste: Workers kill 1.86 hours a day y en How to Do Nothing at Work, and Get Away With It [...]

For the break your arm one, you should go ahead and break it on the job - workman’s comp is the way to go.

Hackerdude. Thank you so much. Your lame, arrogant comments brought me more mirth than the article itself. Which, by the way, was filed under humor. Thank you for reminding me why working for people like you is not worth risking my health and well-being, it is not worth digging myself into an early grave so that you can feel important and drive a nice car. You won’t understand this until perhaps your first stroke, but there ARE more important things in life.

For the time being, keep the humor going and smile in the face of adversity.

I clicked the workFRIENDLY link and it was blocked by WebSense. It didn’t like the fact that it’s a “Proxy Avoidance” application.

Check out the image at http://www.epicontheweb.com/_images/workfriendly.JPG

Not so friendly if you can’t download it. They’re on to me. DOH!

[...] fullduplex.org » How to Do Nothing at Work, and Get Away With It comical, slackers. work [...]

Hackerdude - If you take everything this seriously all the time, you must be a real drag to work with.

I found the perfect solution to bathroom breaks (works for women and men): http://www.mcphee.com/items/10727.html

Hackerdude - Talk about micro-management… you might as well install keyloggers and remote access software on your team’s computers so you can see what they’re doing every single minute.

Give your team some space and they’ll perform better

[...] Mike over at fullduplex.org has a pretty good list of tips on how to do nothing at work. I can see myself checking out Mike’s blog more often, after checking out his “About me” section, it would seem we have alot in common. [...]

Hahah, What is funny is that all these steps also are symptoms of ADHD or ways to compensate for it.

Before, I go on, I note you mentioned excuses. The way people respond to an “Explanation” instantly labeling it as an excuse ticks me off no end. For example, if my car breaks down and I’m late for work, most people say that’s an excuse, no it is a thing to fix by taking steps to see that the car is fixed. It only becomes an excuse if I intend to let the problem continue.

I am an consciencious programmer the unemployed victim of a hostile takeover and worker displacement. Now that that mini-rant is out of the way, lets get to the funny stuff. I can choose to be frustrated at my foibles, or laugh at them and do all in my power to correct them. ADHD folks also have compensating strengths. I choose to laugh. :)

1. Clutter, is often the result of looking for that report that is in front of my face for far too long than I consider appropriate and looking down and not making eye contact may be a symptom of the fear that someone noticed that in my head, the lights are on, the popcorn’s a popppin but nobody is home or self-frustration I don’t want them to see in my eyes.

2. Stress: Getting a sudden brilliant idea (an ADHD trait) and opening up some code or a my ToDO list only to forget what I was about to do or write down can be quite stressful. I want a bumper sticker that says “By the time I got there, I forgot why I went.” That unfocused look is often the precursor to remembering that wonderful idea or tryin to, or mental exhaustion or the walking stupors.

3. Speak quickly. I got to get it said before I forget it.

4. I’m not hiding, I’m looking for just one of 20 pens I have, that have found their way under the desk, or I am cleaing up. If I’m in the Janitor’s closet, I’ve spilled coffee on my pants and waiting for a break in traffic so I can dash to my desk before someone sees and thinks I’ve wet my slacks or I took a wrong turn on the way to the bathroom.

5. Yep, Getting my fingers caught in a drawer can break a finger, but fortunately, I’m so distrustful of my actions that I don’t break limbs and I don’t have a problem in this area thank goodnesss.

6. I’m too determined to fight the ADHD to be willing to give myself any excuse. ADHD is a brat that if you give it an inch it takes a mile. I just work extra time to do what I should have gotten done and I don’t report it, so I don’t get paid for time spent correcting what I feel is my fault.

7. Never leave the office: What you said about this is hilarious! I could try to top you on this one, but instead I’ll just say BRAVO, and continue hiding in my office so folks don’t notice I clocked out and snuck back to finish my day’s work.

8. I must admit I had this problem for awhile. I was addicted to online games, which causes addiction to browsing forums about online games. I finally quit ALL games. Sometimes I must take drastic measures to eliminate tempting destractions. ADHD folks like variety, many are interested in getting the current work project done and do a good job of it, so I can move on to another project.

9. If I can’t hide my monitor use workfriendly: Being in a relaxed trance staring at a chunk of code waiting for that brilliant code change that will do me proud and make the users of the software shout for joy, is more fun than any game. Programming on an unconscious level is the cat’s meow until I happen to be discovered drooling into my keyboard. LOL!!

10. Yep, thinking out of the box and being creative usually lands a person in a field few understand - Just as long as you don’t mention that thinking out of the box is a symptom of ADHD and the boredom of hearing the same old ideas all the time.

Typical, disgusting left wing rubbish. Work as hard as you can, cut out lunch and tea breaks, forego holidays and weekrnds. Try to make the directors and shareholders richer.
If you listen VERY carefully, you might just catch the occasional “Thank you” but it is improbable.
Let your motto be Scive, scive, scive.
post script:-Do not apply at MY company.

How to Do Nothing at Work…

I was scanning my personalized google homepage links I found a list linked off of c|net which I thought was very humorous.  It’s a list of 10 items on how to do nothing at work and get away with it.  Hey Steve, this might have been written for …

2 keys are all you need: [alt]+[tab]

I wonder if hackerdude was supposed to be micro managing a project while he was slacking of reading this humor. Hmmm maybe that is another way to slack off send you manager links to humorous list that take up all their time, so you can sleep while they read. ;-)

Now, if only I found this before!!

Virtual Desktop Manager. Have 1 desktip with all your work on and the other 3 with what ever you want. Of to play, er work you go!

Move Bathroom Breaks to #5 - Hide. It’s another great place to get away.

Except for the time an auditor found me and started asking questions about a spreadsheet. I came very close to having him pass it under the door, using it, and passing it back to him.

I knew a guy who would just stay in the bathroom for 20 - 30 minute stretches

Even more hysterical than your post are the people who had the time to take it seriously and write you long, in-depth responses detailing how and why you are wrong. Great post. It’s obvious which among us are NOT Dilbert readers.

I think the reply from the fellow who said “Typical left wing rubbish and don’t apply at MY company”

This guy obviously is joking himself, or is so humor impaired that he didn’t realize its a joke and gets all offended.

He also sounds like an antisocial slaver boss.

Please tell me what company you own, so that I won’t start working there and end up in the hospital for ulcers or exhaustion.

Not only does this person appear to be humor impaired, he seems to a condition called anti-humor where instead of laughing, he gets enraged.

What Would Wally Do?

Hackerdude, I must say I would love to work for your company.

Team support meetings to hash out issues and problems means communication. I LOVE it!!!

I had a job making web based reports for this company and I was extremely motivated to do my job well - its called Job Security.

The trouble is that the owner was so paranoid that he did some mistakes.

1. He would not give anyone permissions to give me the passwords and database rights I needed to RUN the program he wanted me to modify and debug! I would get replies that I would be given the info I needed to do my job.

2. His specs had gaping holes in it and he would refuse to bother with giving me the info on what he wanted.

3. There were bugs in OTHER people’s code that would impact my program and prevent me from fixing it. For example, the code to add a customer to the database’s billing table, did not insert new customers but tried to update an existing record and never checked to see if the append took. I worked there for a month, and never did get them to fix it but they were losing hundreds of dollars a week because they were not billing customers.

There was no real communication at all.

I was frustrated worried because I could not do my job to my satisfaction because I was being asked to program with one arm tied behind my back!

Finally, I got up at 3am and emailed a summary of my difficulties to the owner who had said he really liked me because when overtime was necessary I was the only one to show up but instead I got a reply from him saying take a week off, stop fretting it’s only a program.

Then my supervisor told me they needed folks who when not sure of what was wanted, would not ask, but just guess what was needed, and who were willing to figure out how to do things (Hack into the system to find the passwords and get the permissions) and do thier job without asking if what they were going to do was what the company wanted.

Then I was let go.

Regular meetings would have prevented this, communication would have prevented this instead of expecting a programmer to do work without the tools needed.

Months later I met the owner at a store and we chatted, I told him that he was correct that it was only a program, but that to me, its a way of life and giving a good days work for a good days pay and that having to hack a system to get the info I needed to do my job did not fit with my definition of integrity and work ethic.

You may have taken this joke post as serious, but I’d rather have worked for you any day than be frustrated by being in a job where nobody bothered to listen when I pointed out problems and lack of information I needed to complete the work.

I’d rather do things the way the boss wants it the FIRST time than have to guess what he wants when I don’t know.

[...] 17/8 - Work with the job that hates August 17, 2006 [...]

I seem to recall a commercial on television (Miller commercial maybe?) that was advertising the “Steaming cup of coffee”. It seemed to work pretty well. “Where’s Johnson?…I don’t know, but there’s his steaming cup of coffee”. Boss walks in early and sees Johnsons’ steaming cup of coffee on his desk and mutters while smiling and shaking his head “That Johnson…”. Similar works when the boss is leaving late that evening and sees the cup steaming away as if freshly poured…except this time the boss speaks with the hint of a tear in his eye. Tears of pride from the boss pretty much guarentee the quick raise and/or a promotion.

“Break a limb” is an actual suggestion for a news piece? The author or editor should work for the Whitehouse if they think that’s serious.

Strange, this is the exact list the Romans had 1900 years ago.

[...] How to Do Nothing at Work, and Get Away With It [...]

Nice, and since I’m researching the usability of and context of your blog, I may or may not be working…

It really works……
I do this all day.

Great Stuff :)

[...] read more | digg story [...]

Yeah.. very cool dude… I’m using this information actually… thanks..

I’m seriously going to implement some if not all of these!

I can’t hide in the air vent, allergies…

[...] Work is important, but it’s not your whole life. Follow these simple rules and you may be able to do nothing at work. Procrastination is an art form. Link: http://www.fullduplex.org/humor/2006/08/how-to-get-away-with-doing-nothing-at-work/ [...]

Hide in an air vent - that’s classic! Thanks!

[...] How to Do Nothing at Work, and Get Away With It “4. Hide: Find a good hiding place. A couple good examples are under a desk, in the air vents, or a janitor’s closet.” (tags: satire toread) [...]

dang!! I tried to get to the web site for “WorkFRIENDLY” and wouldn’t ya know my company has blocked it as an EVIL EMPIRE not to be gotten to from work… I guess I’ll have to keep the phone against my ear and repeatedly say, “I understand. That won’t be a problem. We can surely resolve this issue for you”

Thanks for the post - Sincerely yours Gilda

hackerdude -

jeez, lighten up = glad I don’t work for you. Wonder what your employee turnover rate is?

[...] Tengo que admitir que soy un Googleholic, de cuando en vez sin ningún motivo en particular se me ocurre darle un googlelazo a cualquier palabra que me llegue a la mente. Si, ya se que no es normal pero quien a dicho que yo soy normal, a veces creo que hasta necesito ayuda psicológica. Pero que hacer, ya el daño está hecho y este post no es para hablarle de mis problemas de personalidad; este post es para darles 10 consejos de como no hacer nada en la oficina sin meterse en líos. Ah y esto también lo encontré googliando una palabras en Ingles que ya ni me acuerdo cuales fueron. Espero que les sea útil . La lista es una traducción que hice del post de Fullduplex.org: How to do Nothing at Work, and Get Away With it. [...]

[...] Hoe kom je er mee weg dat je aanwezig bent op je werk, maar geen zak doet. Er zijn genoeg mensen die deze vaardigheid tot kunst hebben verheven. Een aantal van die werknemers met bovenmatige alt-tab reflectie skills hebben daar een tiplijst over samengesteld (tijdens werkuren uiteraard). Moet jij ook aanwezig zijn op kantoor, maar wil je liever de hele dag patiencen? Leer dit dan uit je hoofd. (Tip: Niet verstandig om naast je bureau te hangen) Wouter | 19 August 2006, 10:27 | Nieuws, Websites | | Naar boven | [...]

[...] Fantstica la traduccin de Alex Perez de un post de FullDuplex.orgQue se titula: Diez maneras de no hacer nada en el trabajo sin meterse en problemas. Para muestra, un botn 2.- Aparentar estar estresado: Si te ves estresado, hay ms posibilidades de que tu jefe y compaeros de trabajo te dejen tranquilo ya que tienes cosas ms importante de que preocuparte. Para aparentar estrs, nunca enfoques la mirada y camina rpido de un lado a otro y al mismo tiempo habla contigo mismo en voz baja. Si alguien te pregunta algo, mira hacia el firmamento por un momento, da un suspiro bien largo y contstales en un tono irritado. 3.- Hablar Rpido: Si no pueden descifrar lo que dices, asumirn que no tienes tiempo para explicarles. 4.- Esconderse: Encuentra un buen escondite, un par de sugerencias es debajo del escritorio, o en el cuarto de limpieza. [...]

Happy ta know that there are people like me…………good show ya

I live in China. They have a good technique that you missed: Walk around with a piece of paper in your hands for half an hour at a time. Anyone you meet will simply assume you are getting an approval or something. Some people in Shanghai have based their whole careers on this.

ok..I’ve wasted 2 days and thousands of searches…”wheres the boss key on my keypad”???..do you think I’ve got the satire part right yet?

[...] Posted: Thursday, August 17, 2006 5:49 PM by Will Femia Andrew Sullivan points out that according to British law, authorities can hold someone for 28 days without filing charges and so far they have not charged anyone with anything in relation to last week’s terror plot.  Ultimately his point is that he has more faith in the judicial system than the “trust me, they’re terrorists” administration. On the implausiblity of the explosives plot — This is the most detail I’ve read of how a bomb of the kind described by accounts of the plot would be made. “I bet it will turn out to be a hoax.”  This guy was on Tucker’s show the other day.  His argument boils down to “they were wrong before, they’re probably wrong now.”  As Tucker and many bloggers have pointed out, this is not a particularly sound basis for a national defense. Olbermann:  The nexus of terror and politics In spite of the above, I’m inclined to wait for the due outcome of each case on its own merits.  The conclusion I do feel compelled to draw, however, is that terrorism is losing its teeth, both politically and as a global extra-governmental tactic.  People are becoming increasingly cynical about terrorists and terrorism and that cynicism may ultimately be the most effective tool in fighting terror. Shorter Ann Althouse:  Forcing a kid to spend 9 hours a day memorizing the Koran in a language he doesn’t understand at an American madrassa is illegal and abusive and ought to be reported as such. (And in case I’m sounding too confident in my conclusions, links like the above are the sort being pointed to by some bloggers to make the point that Islamic extremism (and therefore the threat of terrorism) is more common and closer than even the media hype would have us believe.) Authorities Warning Women Not to Wear Gel Bras As Worries of Possible Female Bombers Increase — The report mentions baby bottles with false bottoms and containing peroxide found at a recycling center in the U.K.  Can you imagine if the terrorists end up being convicted because they put the evidence in the recycling instead of destroying it?  They don’t have a problem littering the ocean with the charred remains of a plane and its contents, but polluting the Earth with empty baby bottles is just wrong. Speaking of things not being allowed on planes, how about a tiny gun that shoots tiny bullets?  Check the “gallery steel” for a look at how tiny it is. Speaking of potentially dangerous portable things, “A portable hacking device equipped with hundreds of exploits and an automated exploitation system will go on sale in the United States in October.” Sort of spoiler:  The Harry Potter fans at MuggleNet have posted a photo of Tonks in costume from the shooting of the new movie. Yet another collection of AOL searchers — These are mostly obscene.  They mostly follow the pattern of searching for normal stuff and then suddenly searching for something completely raunchy.  Or searching for sex terms and then searching for something completely normal.  Part of me thinks we should all have a good laugh over this and part of me says no way, there’s a lot of sickos out there. Related:  What Are Web Surfers Seeking? Well, It’s Just What You’d Think What If 9/11 Never Happened? 16 Common Myths About Atheists I’m not sure who J.D. is but this is indeed an amazing jump. Jason Kottke gives color photos from a 1939 to 1943 collection a Photoshop treatment.  Not the falsifying kind of treatment but the sharpen image, improve contrast kind of treatment. CBS.com to stream hit shows for free — Now you can admit to watching Numb3rs without necessarily admitting that you were home watching TV on Friday night. “Science has just published a short comparative study of international acceptance of evolution. Thirty-four countries were polled, and guess what?  We score 33rd - edging out Turkey for last place.” Death to the Caps Lock key — All good points here.  It’s a huge key, it’s in the way so that it gets hit accidentally.  And who the heck uses it? How to Do Nothing at Work, and Get Away With It — I’d settle for doing nothing on vacation. 101 Ways to Build Link Popularity in 2006 The Top 20 Fitness Mistakes Beginners Make Lightning hits a yacht — another good one for our casually collected lightning photo series. Mormons: the correct answer “There are now more overweight people across the world than hungry ones, according to experts.”  Um… that’s a good thing, right? Ahmadenijad Blog Contains A Little Surprise For Israeli Readers Using Windows and Internet Explorer  (Not a happy surprise.) Sneeze ring — I like the idea of making a cell phone less annoying by making the ring be something more natural and less jarring than those annoying beeps, but I’m not sure I like the idea of choosing a symptom of illness.  Here in the cube farm people leave their desks and let their cell phones ring through to voicemail.  I’d hate to listen to sneeze after sneeze. This is probably one of those test crash flights, right? I’m having a hard time caring about the whole “makaka” story (though I’d probably care more if that guy was representing me in Congress) but it has at least led to my clicking this list of ethnic slurs. Commuter Click:  “Studies of the mental processes of chess grandmasters have revealed clues to how people become experts in other fields as well” 10 Ways to Make Your Digital Photos Last Forever — Short version:  delete nothing and take advantage of cheap storage by saving everything… twice. “Here’s a list of specific foods that raise your metabolism and help burn body fat.”  I wonder how cumulative these are.  If you eat all this stuff, do you turn your body into a furnace?  P.S.  Don’t take medical (or nutritional) advice from a random Web page. [...]

[...] Part 1 here [...]

[...] Mike Walker of fullduplex.org shows you how to earn your monthly paycheck without doing much at all. Here’s a favourite: If you look completely stressed out, co-workers and your boss will be more likely to leave you alone, since you must have other pressing matters on your mind. To look stressed leave your eyes unfocused, move from place to place quickly while quietly talking to yourself, and if someone asks you a question, stare off into the distance for a moment, give a big sigh, and answer them with an irritated tone. [...]

[...] For those of you who missed the first list of nothingness at work list, there is a new one out. Mike has posted a new list with even better tips you may not have thought of. Even one of my favorites from the Bud Light Institute: [...]

[...] read more | digg story [...]

hahahahaahah, essa foi a coisa infame que já li na internet…

E por isso que o mundo caminha a passos de tartaruga.

abrs.

[...] Tired of actually working at your job? Use these tips to help you breeze through your day while doing the least amount of work possible.read more | digg story [...]

[...] fullduplex.org » How to Do Nothing at Work, and Get Away With It (tags: humor) [...]

[...] O blog fullduplex.org publicou um entrada para ajudar você a parecer ocupado no trabalho, como podem ler aqui . Para aqueles que não sabem inglês deixo uma adaptação para o português, como gosto de chamar minhas traduções [...]

Everyday life for me.

Blah Blah Blah

[...] Taken from FullDuplex.org [...]

[...] Jag är uttråkad. Borde man då läsa texter som denna? 2006-08-29 9:54 [...]

Another way of hiding your stuff (note: you need linux and a wheelmouse for this to work) is to use fluxbox.
The trick is simple.
Put your games and pr0n in one desktop and your word/excel documents in another desktop.
When someone approaches just put the pointer in the taskbar (at the bottom of the screen) and flip the wheel, voila you just changed desktops in less than what the boss takes to walk in.

You forgot: Be the CEO or his/her closest team. That works at most organizations.

This reminds me of a book called “Hardly Working” by Chris Morran. More of the same with hilarious illustrations. Probably on Amazon. Use some precious work time to look it up!

It seems we have three kinds of people here. One is those that take it for what it is, satire, and can even laugh at themselves whether they’re the omployee or employer.

The other two are the ones that take it serious, thinking that it encourages slackers and those that think it’s actually a real “slackers guide” and intend to use it as such.

As for you guys, well, whatever. I guess there’s got to be a ‘tard in every workgroup somewhere. Whether you’re an insecure taskmaster that has no control over any other aspect of his/her life. Or, a do-nothing lazy dumb-ass who looks for any way possible to get out of any kind of work, on principle alone, and still get’s paid for it.

this is too much of effort to pretend being busy…ill just stick to doing work instead

Great post….presenteeism is half of the story! The other half is absenteeism. My favourites tips for fake sick leave are:

1) Make it embarrassing….if you say you’ve got prostate problems no-one asks too many questions.

2) Plan it! Best days are ones where you’ll have fun without raising suspicion. Avoid world cup final, but don’t waste your time on daytime TV.

3) Generally cough and mope around the day before….

Joe Stakhanov
http://www.workwhore.blogspot.com

Love it…. I wud like to put more comments but M lazy to do it…. Again a web developer… hehehehe

My son had a job once where the work actually finished a week before the job did. His boss told him to look busy, to plau solitaire, with some fake work on a screen behind so that if someone opened his office door he would “liik busy.” I can’t see my words up here as I’m typing so can’t correct spelling or typos.

[...] How to Do Nothing at Work, and Get Away With It Learning how to get ahead in the world? Here’s one way. [...]

[...] A short instruction guide on how to do nothing at work and get away with it. Read and get illuminated. [...]

How funny. This is my every day life at the office… No new tactics gained here…

how about get a job that you enjoy that way you dont have to stress yourself out pretending you’re stressed out just to get away with not doing anything productive? slackers.

Hilarious to the point of crying with tears :)))))))))))

[...] Isn’t the internet a wonderful place? You can find all sorts of resources online. Recently I came across two very different articles. The first was titled How to Do Nothing at Work, and Get Away With It while the second was 18 Ways to Stay Focused at Work. So which one will you read? [...]

[...] Es agosto, las jornadas laborales se acortan y las ganas de trabajar tampoco acompañan. Todo son motivos para el ocio y la dispersión. Si no quiere usted poner en peligro su puesto de trabajo, siga esta lista de consejos para simular que trabaja. Si quiere, además, dejarse mecer por la Red sin que lo parezca. Si quiere, en definitiva, no dejar ver sus navegadores abiertos a la vista de toda la oficina, recurra a este par de programas que le harán parecer enfrascado en terribles tareas. Como siempre, la comunidad al servicio de los usuarios. De nada. [...]

[...] Es agosto, las jornadas laborales se acortan y las ganas de trabajar tampoco acompañan. Todo son motivos para el ocio y la dispersión. Si no quiere usted poner en peligro su puesto de trabajo, siga esta lista de consejos para simular que trabaja. Si quiere, además, dejarse mecer por la Red sin que lo parezca. Si quiere, en definitiva, no dejar ver sus navegadores abiertos a la vista de toda la oficina, recurra a este par de programas que le harán parecer enfrascado en terribles tareas. Como siempre, la comunidad al servicio de los usuarios. De nada. [...]

[...] Productively do nothing August 16th, 2006 How to do nothing at work and get away with it. [...]

August 16th, 2006 dat woz ma cuzins 11th b-day

Any programs out there that say on your screen something like…processing…or loading, in a screen that looks like it is from excel or lotus notes???

you lazy shits are all a bunch of nobodys, and you will never get ahead in life.

[...] Read More at Full Duplex [...]

[...] stunning site now criticise this talk http://www.fullduplex.org/humor/2006/08/how-to-get-away-with-doing-nothing-at-work and give comments [...] [...]

[...] review this monumental collection at http://www.fullduplex.org/humor/2006/08/how-to-get-away-with-doing-nothing-at-work about [...]

Gay Ass Fucking…

Sorry, it just sounds like a crazy idea for me :)…

Great plugin may be…
Thanks!

There are people who in spite of suffering from erectile dysfunction can’t or don’t approach the doctor because of some hesitation. It would be dangerous if you administer the drug without prescription. The often answered viagra faqs can be of great help for such people if they go through them before actually thinking of going for the drug.

You people are soooo lazy!

[...] Para ficar realmente escolado nessa arte, leia a íntegra da receita em: http://www.fullduplex.org/humor/2006/08/how-to-get-away-with-doing-nothing-at-work/ [...]

so ic, u guys take pride in being lazy or some shit? U feel like you are controlling your life but not the society? Well, wake the fuck up and stop being stupid, this blog is useless

I love listening to talk radio while I work, where can I buy totally hidden device for one of my ears and recieve radio. I live in England. This beats all of your posts.

Thank god for this website. It’s like a breath of fresh air. I learned so much from all of this.
This is to all the haters out there. The people who get promoted to upper management are all freaking lazy anyway and make 6 figures. For example, my boss is head of loss prevention and makes around 70,000 a year. He doesn’t do a dam thing. He comes to work late, like 10 in the morning and yes he leaves late just to look like he was working all day. He makes a couple of phone calls goes to a couple of meetings. Big whoop. You might say ya but he worked hard to get to were he’s at. Well, thats bull. Chances are that he just played the system to get the job or his brother is the CEO. There is nothing wrong doing nothing and level the playing field!!
Trust me. If you work some were long enough you will naturally get this state of mind.

[...] How to Get Away with Doing Nothing at Work - If you’re like me (God help you if you are), you’re lazy. Here’sa few tips from think’s I’ve learned in my short time on this earth: Look Busy Having papers spead all over your desk helps, as do pencils which are widdled down to the … [...]

This is all good stuff, the author is obviously a man after my own heart. Well done!

Dear All,

I just want to inform people that being slack doesn’t mean you havent done your job. I find my work so easy that I complete it early, so that leaves me with nothing to do. So instead of doing my next weeks work, I slack off. Nothing wrong with that. I mean if you want to argue with that, your probably are one of those slow workers, who doesn’t know what having you work completed early is..

One key thing I do is call my work phone off my mobile every 10 – 15mins, because if the people around me here my phone going off all day, they think ive had a busy day. Maybe throw in the odd, “yes, i can have that done and brought to you immediately”. Then you can take some papers, and leave the office for 20 odd minutes.

[...] How to do nothing at work and get away with it Part 1  – A list for lazy people to help them get little accomplished during the day. [...]

Hahahahahahhaa.

Great post. Will use information wisely ;)

Im on a travel agency as a trainee, enternship, and the companyes employees dont talk to me nor help me, cuz they think im some kind of threat, anyways i do nothing all day, but browe the net wich becomes quit boring and stressful.
I dont even know where to start as a travel agent since i have no clients, nor much knowlage of the bizz.

haha, very funny article, keep it up!

It wouldn’t work for me. My Job is an Embalmer. What do you want me to do? I just cant spread around the dead people around my desk.

“This is really a very fascinating post, thank you for sharing!
You will find numerous blogs on this topic
but this 1 states precisely what I think also.”

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